The Atheist Who Didn't Exist by Andy Bannister

Author:Andy Bannister
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Publisher: Monarch Books
Published: 2015-07-16T23:00:00+00:00

“So do hippopotami!”

“Now you’re just being silly.” Garth helped himself to a serving of salad. I thought it best not to mention what I’d just seen, as it had possessed rather a lot of legs.

“So you’re claiming to be a vegan – telling your girlfriend, your colleagues, and your family that you’re a vegan, subjecting your mates to vegan restaurants – all the while chowing down on anything that moves.”

“That’s not fair,” protested Garth. “I’m not eating anything, just seafood and one or two other things.” He took a mouthful of lettuce and chewed, increasingly thoughtfully.

“Like ducks.”

“Like ducks. Oh, and cows; they live near water. There’s a whole herd by the Thames near Clifton Hampden who often graze while standing in the river. That’s practically aquatic.” Garth discreetly spat a mouthful of lettuce, along with half a centipede, into an empty wine glass.

“So what you’re telling me”, I said, “is that any animal that lives in, on, near or within line of sight of water, or on a houseboat, is basically fair game.”

Garth nodded. He reached into his bag again and produced another container, which appeared to contain some slices of salami.

“Dare I ask?”

“Venison sausage,” he whispered. “It was your talk of ‘fair game’ that made me remember it.”

I shook my head in despair. “Why not just come clean and admit that you’re an omnivore like the rest of us? It’s the hypocrisy that galls me, if I’m honest.”

“Hypocrisy?” Garth spluttered, looking genuinely offended. “That’s a bit strong, old chap. Quite frankly I would have expected somebody as well travelled as you to be a bit more, well, progressive.”

“Progressive?”

“Yes. Besides, who says that you get to define what the word ‘vegan’ means, anyway? Who died and pronounced you king of the dictionary? I say ‘vegan’ to me means ‘occasionally eats meat when there’s a vowel in the month’. Tell me I’m wrong.” Garth stared fiercely at me, daring me to disagree.

I wondered where to start: I wanted to take a stand for truth, for honesty, for consistency and coherence – but then there was the small matter of that rather insipid pizza. Sometimes you have to take the pragmatic route. “Pass me a few slices of that salami and I’ll say no more about it.”

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